A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My friend is an excellent librarian.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee