Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
the #horror is real!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.