AM I BEING GASLIT????
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.