This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Breaking news:
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.