Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My first son he is wonderful
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]