Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
is this a warning or an offer?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.