Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.