Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*orders delivery*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
classic mixup
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.