Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate