Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
See..?
.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no