In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.