A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.