Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Choose your fighter
what could possibly go wrong?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.