Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“I wouldn’t.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”