FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.