Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.