Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Wait for it
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”