I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
…..pretty much.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine