Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw