Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.