Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.