Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.