No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
secret recipe
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
❤️❤️❤️
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
checking out some reviews of my local library
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”