I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.