Did…did a minotaur write this
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
He-man has a Masters degree
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.