Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.