Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside