[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.