“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Is this you?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?