100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.