Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
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I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room