Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.