Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.