I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”