Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*