Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
when there are deer in the woods
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism