when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Wednesday
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich