My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
🙋♀️
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.