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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*