Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price