gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
wishing you and yours all the best
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.