Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.