Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.