We need more people like this.
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
This week’s mood.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I have a type: disappointing