I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I don’t make the rules sorry