*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
This pepper has seen some shit
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.