Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.