It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.