[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Herpes is trending, good job people
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.