*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…